Theatre in Review: Owned (Knife Edge Productions/TBG Theatre)As Humphrey Bogart says in Casablanca, "It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world" -- words I found ringing in my ears at Owned. Julian Sheppard's play is packed with twists, but because the trio of schemers at its heart isn't very interesting, neither are the games they play. Ed and Ray are career bartenders in a New York City joint. Ed is the de facto manager, making sure everything runs smoothly; Ray is the personality kid, the star behind the bar, smoothly schmoozing the regulars while making the walk-ins feel right at home. One night, just after closing time, Ray says he has an inkling that Vaughan, the owner, is planning to sell; awkwardly, Ed admits that he is the prospective buyer. Immediately, Ray wants in on the deal. Worn down by Ray's ebullience, Ed reluctantly agrees to the partnership. Big mistake: Immediately, the grandiose Ray threatens to take over the project altogether, ordering expensive whiskeys and craft beers and insisting on the addition of a neon sign, all before the financing is in place -- leaving Ed worried about losing control of his dream. (Ray's plan to raise money involves a distinctly shifty plan to sell a family heirloom, a sword that apparently once belonged to George Washington.) Meanwhile, Ed hooks up with Morgan, a winsome, scattered blonde who walks in late one morning, orders a couple of tequila shots and a screwdriver and cries the blues about her nervous breakdown of a mother. I do not use the term "hook up" metaphorically; after a couple of pre-lunch drinks they hotfoot it to the storage room for a quickie. Later, Ed, trying to impress Ray, shows off Morgan's bra, which she left behind. After a brief description, Ray identifies Morgan as the troubled niece of Vaughn, adding that the family has been struggling to keep her on the wagon. Ray sums it up succinctly: "You pulled Vaughn's favorite niece off the wagon, got her wasted, violated her in the back room of his bar, and kept her bra as a souvenir ... It isn't like you need Vaughn to think of you as a responsible, sensible, together guy or anything." As it happens, all three characters are playing the angles, leading to a series of shifting alliances and hidden motivations. All of this could be fun if the characters weren't such jerks. Even the bits of information doled out by the author -- Ed is an also-ran rock star whose career fizzled, Ray has a daughter he rarely sees, thanks to her vengeful mother -- don't add much dimensionality to them. And their dialogue is no help at all. "You're a bartender, man. If you can't get your dick swallowed once a week, you should take a class at the Learning Annex or something," says Ray, deploying his best undermining technique. "Maybe we should talk all this through," says Ed to Morgan in a tense moment. "Yikes," she replies. "That sounds like when my parents sat me down and told me Daddy'd fucked the nanny." Ray, outraged, asks Ed, "What, do you think I'm like the asshole in a bad movie?" Ed replies, "I think you are exactly like the asshole in a bad movie." Thanks to lines likes these, an air of quiet calm presided over the audience at the performance I attended. As Ed and Ray, Don DiPaolo and Neil Holland are as good as anyone could be. Susannah Hoffman endows Morgan with enough nutsy charm to make us understand why men make so many bad decisions around her. Blanca Anon's set design is a reasonable-for-the-budget depiction of a local neighborhood joint, and Eric Southern's lighting, Nancy Leary's costumes, and Daniel Spitaliere's sound are all perfectly fine. Owned is a relatively short play, about 100 minutes -- but as it wears on, you keep thinking, This must be the end. Even its twisty nature finally becomes dull.--David Barbour 
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